As Valentine’s Day approaches and the shops begin to fill with hearts, cards, flowers and messages about love, for some people this can feel exciting and affirming. For others, it can stir up something much deeper: loneliness, comparison, pressure, grief or a sense of “not being enough.”
Valentine’s often focuses on how love should look. But in the therapy room, what I hear much more about is how love is actually experienced or missed.
One of the most popular ways people try to make sense of this is through the idea of love languages.
You may already be familiar with the concept or you may have heard friends talk about being a “words of affirmation person” or “needing quality time.” There is also a widely used free online love language test that many people take out of curiosity or after relationship difficulties, to better understand how they give and receive love.
From a therapeutic perspective, love languages can be a helpful starting point, not because they give us a label to work with, but because they open the door to self-understanding.
What are love languages?
The love languages model describes five common ways people tend to express and experience love:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Physical touch
The idea is simple: we don’t all register love in the same way. What impacts one person may barely land for another.
Love languages show up everywhere: in friendships, families, parenting, even working relationships.”
The online test doesn’t diagnose you or put you in a box. It simply highlights patterns and preferences, often as a ranking rather than one fixed “type.” Many people find it surprisingly emotional to take, because it can name something they’ve felt but struggled to explain.
Curious to know your love language?
You might like to explore this for yourself. There are several free online quizzes based on the 5 love languages framework. They take around 5–10 minutes and can help you understand how you naturally give and receive care in relationships whether with partners, friends, family or yourself.
One well-known option is: Five Love Languages Test This is a straightforward quiz that helps you discover your primary love language and what it can mean. (Based on Gary Chapman’s love languages model.)
For some, taking the test brings relief:
“Oh… that’s why that mattered to me.”
“That’s why I felt hurt even though they were trying.”
How love languages can help
From an individual therapy point of view, love languages can be useful because they:
- Give language to emotional needs
- Reduce shame (“I’m not needy… I just experience love this way”)
- Help people reflect on past relationships and family dynamics
- Highlight why we may feel unseen even when someone cares
They can help you notice patterns, such as:
- What you naturally offer others
- What you long for most
- What tends to hurt the deepest when it’s missing
And although they’re often talked about in romantic terms, love languages show up everywhere: in friendships, families, parenting, even working relationships. They are not just about who you love, but how you learned to recognise love.
When love languages don’t align
One of the most powerful insights people gain is realising how often love is present… but untranslated.
Someone may show care through doing and fixing, while the other longs for reassurance and verbal warmth. One person may crave shared time and attention, while the other offers gifts or practical support.
Much like attachment styles, love languages are often shaped by our early experiences…”
This doesn’t mean anyone is wrong. But it can help explain why people so often end up thinking:
- “I do so much and it’s never enough.”
- “I still feel invisible.”
- “I feel too much.”
- “I don’t seem to matter in the way I need to.”
Understanding this can lessen self-blame and illuminate why certain relationships feel nourishing while others feel empty, even when love exists.
A therapist’s lens
Much like attachment styles, love languages are often shaped by our early experiences, our emotional environment and what we learnt love meant.
Sometimes what we call a “love language” is closely connected to:
- A need for emotional safety
- A longing to feel chosen or prioritised
- Nervous system regulation
- Reassurance and predictability
- Self-worth and visibility
For example, a strong pull toward words of affirmation may reflect how rarely encouragement or emotional validation was felt growing up. A deep need for quality time may be linked to inconsistency, emotional absence or early experiences of disconnection. Physical touch can be about grounding and safety, as much as affection.
Valentine’s culture often encourages us to focus on gestures. But emotional experience is shaped far more by consistency, safety, repair and feeling understood.”
This doesn’t mean your love language is a problem to fix. But it can become an invitation to explore:
- “What does this represent for me?”
- “When did I first learn to look for love this way?”
- “What happens inside me when it’s missing?”
Needs also shift. What feels most loving during stress, illness, parenthood, grief or burnout is often very different from what mattered in easier seasons of life.
Beyond Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s culture often encourages us to focus on gestures. But emotional experience is shaped far more by consistency, safety, repair and feeling understood.
Understanding love languages can be a way to move away from “Am I doing love right?” and toward deeper questions such as:
- When do I feel most emotionally close to others?
- What helps me soften and open?
- What makes me withdraw or harden?
- What did love feel like in my family growing up?
- How do I relate to my own needs?
Because love languages are not only about how we receive love from others, they also highlight how we treat ourselves, what we deprive ourselves of and what we may hope someone else will finally give us.
A starting point, not the full story
Love languages won’t explain everything. They don’t resolve conflict, heal old wounds or create emotional safety on their own. But they can be a meaningful exploration into understanding yourself more compassionately.
If Valentine’s season stirs something in you: longing, sadness, confusion, pressure or self-doubt then exploring your relational patterns can be a good place to begin.
Not to give yourself a label or perform love better, but to understand what your nervous system, your history and your heart have been asking for all along.
